Breaking News. Aussie Blogger Arrested in Crete.

By Xania Xpress reporter, Vasilis Katsikisaki

Well known and widely followed Australian Blogger, TomTwice, was arrested and detained two days ago whilst at Chania Airport in Crete and charged with one count of trying to enter the country illegally and four counts of smuggling prohibited articles.  According to a news source, Mr Twice used a side entrance at the airport to try and evade airport security personnel, but was apprehended whilst making his getaway on the the local shuttle  bus between the airport and the town of Chania. The charges laid are extremely serious and could result in a long prison sentence, between 10 to 20 years if found guilty.

His attractive young travelling companion, seen above pleading with a local policeman for help, confided to me that her name was ‘Yineka-Mou’.  I had managed to track her down, and to interview  her later that evening, in one of Chania’s  trendy new waterfront bars in the Venetian quarter. In the circumstances, I initially found her to be  remarkably calm about his arrest.  After informing her that Mr Twice could be spending the rest of his life behind bars on the island, she replied “ Oh, I’m not a bit concerned about it all really, you have to look on the bright side of life, and to be honest, it’s like a dream come true for my TomTom”.   She continued “ its what he’s really always wanted, to spend more time in Greece….. and I’m sure that the time spent in prison will be of  great help for him with his Greek lessons. I shouldn’t say this, but TomTom’s  been struggling a bit with the language lately, despite attending a Greek Language school in Perth for the past 12 years ….. bit of a waste of money if you ask me, but there you go….. by the way, can you order me drink, slow service here, doesn’t anyone speak english? ”

When pressed to reveal what she knew about the smuggling charges, Yineka-Mou informed me  that “ It was a mistake really, as poor old TomTom wasn’t aware that the items were prohibited imports, he just thought that it was a lifestyle choice you know….. like, everyone in Crete has a beard, or if not a beard, then at least 3 or 4 days stubble on their chin.  I mean, come on,  who knew that razors, blades, shaving cream and even nail scissors are banned items….. jeez, its not Afghanistan is it?”

I pointed out to the now emotional and visibly distressed ‘Yineka-Mou’ ( or YM, as I’ll refer to her from now on, for the sake of brevity) that what her ‘partner’ thought was a ‘LifeStyle Choice’ is actually the law in West Crete, which makes it an offence for any adult to be clean shaven, although for seniors over the age of 51, they may, as a concession, trim their beards, but only with a pair of blunt nail scissors. The scissors that Mr Twice had in his possession when apprehended were, even though only nail scissors, considered to be  too sharp. 

 “ Really,  are you ‘flipping’ joking”  I thought she said, “ blunt nail scissors? I thought they were all fans of George Clooney…. I need another drink, any SSB, or is there only retsina ?….. Oh, and some ice cubes please, its a hot night!” After refreshing her glass, not with SSB whatever that is, but with a local ‘Kotsifali’, she continued “…and what about the bloody trumped-up illegal entry charge…. That is definitely not right. It wasn’t our fault, its that new bloody airport…..and when are they going to finish it…..ever?  We preferred  the old one , smaller and you knew where everything was…. I mean, they now have two exit doors fa-chrise-sakes,  how were we to know which was the correct one to use…. neither of ‘em had a door, and neither of ‘em had any signs up…. Jeez, who designs an airport like that… are they ever going to finish it?….. by the way, not a bad drop this, whatever it is ” 

I wait until  after she calms down a bit, before  I inform YM that in Greece it is the custom to never completely finish building anything, especially government buildings.  “Athens wasn’t built in a year you know”  I tell her, ” take the Acropolis, its being going on for thousands of years, and still isn’t completed” 

“Rome, you idiot, its Rome…. it’s Rome that wasn’t built in a day!” she admonishes me.

I tactfully point out, not wishing to antagonise her more than necessary, that in fact it was originally ‘Athens’ that the cliched saying referred too.  It was changed to ‘Rome’ only  in  1947, when the present Queen of England, the Elizabeth, married that Greek man, the Philipos.  The British Government didn’t want any embarrassment,  so, stealing an idea from George Orwells book, 1984,  they began deleting  all reference to Athens as the city referred too. They changed it in every encycolopedia, dictionary and reference book everywhere in the world.  “Well, everywhere except Greece of course, they started the task in Greece, but still haven’t finished it yet!”  I explained.

“Figures” she replied, “that figures!” and holding out her now empty glass asks …… “any more of that Kotsi-whats-it krassi” *

I ordered another round and continued ” Now I have some good news for you…..I have made an arrangement with the judiciary to visit your partner tomorrow morning in the Jailhouse, is their any message you wish me to pass on….” “Yeah, there is actually, ask him what the pin number is for the ATM card….. I’m really short of some ready’s”

( *footnote ‘Krassi’ is Greek for wine.)