No, me neither, not until a couple of months ago. I had only just finished completing all the flight bookings and accommodation needs etc for my planned birthday celebration on Nusa Lembongan in Bali, when YM ( I affectionately call her Yineka Mou, Greek for ‘my women’ ) came home a few days afterwards full of excitement and enthusiasm about a health retreat in Ubud that a friend of hers had just told her about. “Why don’t we stay in Bali for an extra week after we have had the celebrations for your birthday, and book a seven night stay at this amazing Ayurvedic Retreat up in Ubud?” “You go,” I told her, “and I’ll stay in Seminyak with my friends”. Undeterred by my lack of interest in spending a week without any beer, wine or coffee, she insisted I look up the details on their website. “ You’ll love it, it will do you good ( yeah,right!), and you’ll be needing a detox after a week in Lembongan celebrating with your mates”. Well I couldn’t argue about that, could I, and the place certainly did look interesting on their site. The clincher was yoga twice a day, vegetarian meals and a daily rice terrace walk…… no, it actually wasn’t, the clincher was the twice daily ‘four hands massage treatment”, an offer I couldn’t refuse.

So here I am, one week after my big birthday bash, sipping herbal tea in an Ayurvedic Retreat in Tagallalang, which is up in the hills in the countryside about 12 kms from Ubud. Just a couple of days previously, YM and I had our Last Supper in what is arguably the best restaurant in Bali, the Merah Putih in Seminyak. Some Negroni cocktails, a beer or two, a bottle of wine, some soft shell crab & sate ayum for starters, Ikam Bakar (whole chargrilled fish, so delicious ) for mains and the bestest pannacotta for dessert…..does it get much better than this?….well no, it didn’t actually….

After an epic nine day celebration of my 80th birthday with my mates in Nusa Lembongan and Seminyak, my wife, YM, insisted I should join her on a detox getaway. She probably thought my liver needed a break from all the partying. Skeptical at first, (and second and third) I decided was persuaded to go along and make the most of it.

The Not-So-Peaceful Peace:

After a delightful à la carte breakfast at The Kayana Villa ( no buffet here) our transport arrived at noon to take us on a 2 hour journey to our Ayurveda Health Retreat near Ubud.

Expecting serenity, we quickly discovered that OneWorld Ayurveda is in quite close proximity to the famous Tegallalang village and it’s amazing rice terraces. Although we are on the other side of the valley, the air is so still up here that every sound carries.

Just our luck, but Tegallalang Village happened to be hosting a ‘Weekend Rock Festival’. YM was not at all pleased (That’s an understatement) and if the sound of heavily distorted music was bad up at the reception area, by the time we reached our room it was like having a back-row seat at a Tame Impala stadium concert.

Like I said, sounds travel easily in the still air, and the sounds I’m hearing certainly wasn’t ’Rock’…… the bands and the DJ seemed to have a never-ending playlist of Trance/Techno rubbish tracks. I’m a music lover, but this wasn’t music to my ears ( nor YM’s)

To be fair to the lovely staff, they were most apologetic, even though they were not responsible for the racket, and they offered YM a more ‘sound-proofed’ room for the night, further away. Me, I couldn’t be bothered moving, deciding to stay and put up with it, thinking, or not thinking, that it’d be over by 10pm….

Ah! Still going full pelt at midnight, and unable to sleep, I seriously considered borrowing a pair of bolt cutters, hiking across the rice paddies, climbing up the terraces to the village, and chopping off the mains supply to the ‘Festival’….. I mean, I do have some experience with this sort of thing. The good news is, the noise music’ eventually stopped at 1;30am, so presumably someone else from around here had a similar idea to mine, and actually carried it out.

And as if that wasn’t enough, every day, for an hour or two, the sounds of bamboo and trees being mercilessly cut down by chainsaws fill the air, the wood apparently needed for an upcoming cremation ceremony,. Well, that’s what we are told by the staff at the retreat anyway…. All I can say is, there must be a hell of lot of deaths around here, because every day so far has been chainsaw day….. I’m looking forward to a still day, not a STHIL day! 

Peace, Massages, and Veggie Delights:

Thankfully, peace has now returned (except for the occasional noisy Stihl chainsaws ), and we woke up to a beautiful morning, and YM and I explored what the retreat had on offer. Three vegetarian meals a day, a morning and an afternoon yoga session, beauty treatments, rice-terrace treks, daily consultations with the Ayurvedic doctors…… oh, and did I mention the massages? And not just any ordinary massages either, these are special four-handed massages! I must admit, it was probably one of the reasons ( I’m not admitting that it it was the main reason) that changed my attitude to come here. Twice a day, morning and afternoon, the skilled hands of two young female therapists work their magic, and this old man surrenders himself to the kneading, stretching, stroking, pummeling, prodding and poking, and on more than one occasion I think “Wait, where is that extra hand coming from?”

Because we are out in the sticks, or in this case, the rice terraces, the sounds we do hear are the sound of chirping birds, cockerels crowing, occasionally pigs squealing, barking dogs and and of course motor scooters….Oh, yes, and this evening I can hear some Balinese music, the sounds floating along the valley, apparently from the cremation ceremony….. but it’s actually quite pleasant, and does fit in with the ambiance…

Surprisingly, the retreat’s vegetarian cuisine has turned out to be a delightful surprise. As an enthusiastic carnivore, I was prepared for bland salads and tasteless tofu. Yet, each bite tantalized my taste buds and made me question my life choices. Who knew vegetarian food could be so tasty and delicious….( Actually, I just made all that up…..first thing I’m having when they release me is a big juicy bbq’d pepper-steak and chips)

To be honest though, the meals are actually very good, and the company even better. There are only 12 other inmates guests, but just one other male. He is much younger and fitter, obviously….. but then everyone here is much younger than me, though not all are fitter I should add.

Like I mentioned previously, the staff here are both helpful and friendly. At both lunch and dinner, the Luke-warm herbal tea is served in a wine glass, and the staff tease me by asking “ hey Pappa, would you like another glass of Pinot Noir…..”

Doctor Knows Best (or so they say):

I had an hour-long consultation with Dr. Josna, one of the resident, doctors on my first day here, and after answering lots of her questions she revealed that my ‘Dosha’ is that of a proud Kapha. I must admit, I was rather pleased with this pronouncement. Now I can officially blame my dosha for any and all future bouts of laziness.

So Far, So Good:

The past few days at OneWorld Ayurveda has exceeded my expectations, and I am enjoying it. I can’t help but laugh now about the Techno Beats, ( just hope they don’t return this coming weekend) the chainsaw gang ( Stilh at it as I write), and the noisy bloody roosters ( they seem to know that they are safe around this place). So far, it’s been a worthwhile experience and I can’t wait to see what the rest of this detox journey holds.