No, me neither, not until a couple of months ago. I had only just finished booking our birthday celebrations on Nusa Lembongan in Bali when YM came home full of excitement about a health retreat in Ubud that a friend had told her about. “Why don’t we stay in Bali for an extra week and book a seven-night stay at this amazing Ayurvedic Retreat?” “You go,” I told her. “I’ll stay in Seminyak with my friends.” Undeterred, she insisted I look it up. The clincher was the twice-daily four-hands massage treatment. An offer I couldn’t refuse.

So here I am, one week after my 80th birthday bash, sipping herbal tea in an Ayurvedic retreat in Tegallalang, 12km from Ubud. Two days previously, YM and I had our Last Supper at arguably the best restaurant in Bali — the Merah Putih in Seminyak. Negronis, beer, soft shell crab, chargrilled fish, pannacotta. Does it get better than this? It didn’t, actually.

Expecting serenity, we quickly discovered that OneWorld Ayurveda is in close proximity to the famous Tegallalang rice terraces, and the air is so still up here that every sound carries. Just our luck — Tegallalang Village was hosting a Weekend Rock Festival. The trance and techno didn’t stop until 1:30am. Someone apparently had a similar idea to mine about the bolt cutters.

Every day, for an hour or two, chainsaws filled the air. Wood needed for an upcoming cremation ceremony, the staff explained. There must be a hell of a lot of deaths around here, because every day has been chainsaw day. I’m looking forward to a still day, not a STIHL day.

Thankfully, peace eventually returned. Three vegetarian meals a day, morning and afternoon yoga, rice-terrace treks, daily Ayurvedic consultations — and the four-handed massages. Twice a day. Eight hands. This old man surrenders.

The staff serve the luke-warm herbal tea in wine glasses, and tease me by asking “Hey Pappa, would you like another glass of Pinot Noir?” The food is actually very good. I’d never admit that if I didn’t have to. First thing I’m having when they release me: a big juicy BBQ’d pepper steak and chips.

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Read next:
→ Jakarta? No Mate, I Left Her Behind — an earlier Bali adventure on Nusa Lembongan
→ TomTom in Saigon — Asia at its most gloriously chaotic
→ Start Here — the best posts to read if you’re new to the blog